Heartache
by TwistedSky
Summary: She missed him. Not that it mattered. Puckleberry. Rachel/Puck.


Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, Finchel would never have happened. Therefore, I kinda don't own Glee.

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She missed him sometimes.

Only sometimes though.

Other times she was too busy, too full of dreams and work and life-that she didn't have time to miss him.

Or so she told herself.

Because the truth was, if she let herself see it, that she missed him_ all of the time._

It _hurt _to miss him. But she couldn't help herself.

Rachel Berry missed Noah Puckerman. Her first "boyfriend" and the first boy who had ever made her feel beautiful-something she'd never felt before, not even with the then-oblivious Finn. He made her feel special, as if she weren't just a small town girl with hopes and dreams so much bigger than Lima, Ohio. As if she could be something more.

And, just a little bit, as if she already were more. As if just being _Rachel _was enough-without the necessity of bells and whistles of fame and stardom. Hopes and dreams were important, but they were not all that she was.

He was the only person who had ever really made her feel that way-including other boys, her dads, her friends. Somehow, he'd managed to cut through her, he'd seen who she was. And he accepted her. He'd said he couldn't judge her, because he was even more flawed than she was.

He'd once told her that he'd only been with her because he'd had some weird dream, then realized that he could use her to appease his mother. He'd thought himself infatuated with Quinn, and she had believed herself in love with Finn.

He hadn't said it to hurt her, and if she had been another girl it may have done so anyway. Instead, she loved his honesty, and didn't let the half-hearted attempt he'd made to push her away-without hurting her feelings-bother her.

They'd needed to put distance between them. If things had been different, maybe they'd be together now, and there would be no need for heartache and missing each other so desperately.

Things, however, rarely turned out the way they wanted, or expected.

If only the timing hadn't been so wrong, maybe they would have had a chance together. Sometimes she thought-in a completely melodramatic way-that the worst part was never having the opportunity to be _more _together. Maybe they would have imploded again anyway with even more fallout-_she didn't believe that_-but it didn't matter. They could have had more, with each other, if only for a little while.

Instead, she just missed him. And wanted what she could never have.

Because they never would have more together. She was destined to simply grieve for what could have been. She hid it well. No one except Noah knew.

She missed him-everything that he was. Often self-absorbed, but with a soft heart he'd rarely shown to those around him, accepting of others-accepting of everything that she was-and since he'd grown up as a consequence of losing Beth he'd been so much more . . . Kind.

It _hurt _to miss him.

What hurt even more than missing him was seeing him, being around him. Being in the same room as him made her act harder than any show she'd been in. It hurt so much more not being around him though. There were times when Rachel wondered if there was anything about him that didn't make her heart ache.

The answer was always a resounding _no_.

Things had become so complicated, so hard. Yet, no matter how much she loved Noah, no matter how much she wanted and needed him, they could never be together. There were promises to be kept, responsibilities to fulfill. Every day, they made their choice anew. Suffered the consequences.

And now, as always, she missed him. She knew it, however much she pretended not to.

She missed him-_loved_ him-with everything that she was. She'd have given it all up-stardom, fame-for him. He wouldn't ask her to, and he wouldn't have let her had she tried.

Not that it really mattered, because it wasn't her career that kept them apart. It wasn't his either. It wasn't anything as simple as that.

He missed her too-and never missed an opening night of one of her shows.

Because he loved her, he came and never spoke a word to her. Because she loved him, she pretended not to know, and kept their secret.

It was hard, Rachel knew, being in love with your husband's best friend.

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Could be more, could just be an angsty oneshot. Review?


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